Lessons from the Missing Marshmallows

 I have an embarrassing Thanksgiving Day confession. My daughter, husband, and I were heading to a dear friend’s home to join her family for the Thanksgiving feast. I felt relaxed from a long morning hike, grateful (more accurately thrilled) that I did not have to cook or host, and touched by the invitation to join her family. And then, during the car ride, this thought that popped into my head: I hope there are marshmallows on top of the sweet potatoes. (I told you it was embarrassing.)

 Not that the desire for marshmallows is a bad thing. Enjoying special foods connected to a specific holiday is wonderful. It’s more about what could happen in a sans marshmallow experience. One year, my disappointment over the absent marshmallows was so strong that I barely tasted the delicious sweet potatoes; I was too busy craving my mom’s crispy, perfectly melted marshmallows. This was obviously not a big deal issue but it is an example of how easy it is to fixate on what ISN’T at the cost of missing what IS.

Did your Thanksgiving have any moment like these? Did you find yourself amidst delicious food and company, yet focused on what wasn’t there—your favorite dish cooked just so, a more uplifting conversation, or the absence of a family member? Did it impact your appreciation of the food you did love, the sharing of stories, or the friends and family who were there in the flesh? If the answer is yes, you are not alone.

This human tendency is at the core of Buddhist teachings. In Buddhism, craving something we don’t have and feeling averse to something we do have is touted to be the source of all suffering. When we relax into what is, rather than focus on what isn’t, suffering is said to naturally lessen.

The holiday season can be plush with cravings – cravings to look a certain way, feel a certain feeling, or for a celebration to go exactly as planned. It’s easy to get caught up in these desires and to feel frustrated when they don’t turn out as we’d hoped. But when we dwell on the disappointments, we risk missing the joy and connection of what’s right in front of us.

In the ensuing weeks, if you notice your mind drifting to let-downs or pity, take a deep breath and redirect your focus to the present:

These moments, imperfect as they may be, are the sweetness of what is – not what isn’t – of the season.

Wishing you a holiday filled with presence, gratitude, and joy—and maybe even some marshmallows on your sweet potatoes.